Goodbye, Baby Stephanie

A Mother’s Farewell

September 23, 2000

Dearest Baby Stephanie,

As I look over the side of your hospital bed in the quiet hour before dawn, I see the imperfect shell in which you are trapped. I feel so many things at this moment that I will never get to share with you on this earth…Love, sadness, pity, anticipation (that you may be heaven-bound), Love. Tomorrow is the third anniversary of the day I became a mother (your sister Rachel’s third birthday). I never expected it to be like this. There is nothing I can do for you except love you, pray for you, and hope for your home-going. I have watched you express yourself…anger, pain, fear?, and once in awhile, a fleeting glimpse of what almost looks like happiness. You didn’t deserve any of this. Of everyone I know, your spirit is the most pure. You had no choice in the matter…this is the earthly place your soul was put.

I hope for freedom for you, sweetheart. Freedom from pain, freedom to jump and dance and sing. I don’t want to lose the chance to touch you, hold you, look at you…but what I touch really isn’t you, anyway. You will never be gone from me. You’ll always be part of my heart. I’m just grateful that I had the privilege of knowing you—at least in part—over the past year. It’s not a privilege I would ever have asked for, or even thought I wanted. But I have been blessed by you. Strengthened by your frailty, taught by your simplicity, softened by your sweetness.

You seem so peaceful now. I hope you do not suffer. I have peace about your leaving, because I know that I will see you again. I will see you when you have a new and perfect body. The one you have now is giving out on you. Actually you’re luckier than people think you are, because you’ll be in heaven soon. That’s a better place to be. The ultimate better place. My dear, sweet child…I love you enough to let you go. I’ll see you in heaven someday!

With all my Love,

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